So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
