just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
