Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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