As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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