You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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