i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
