I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
