yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
