my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
