My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
