meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
