She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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