Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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