chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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