That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
this beer tastes like vomit already
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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