Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize