My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
