My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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