I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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