names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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