Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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