Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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