just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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