Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
