I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
