I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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