apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
