the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
