I'm so fucking centered right now
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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