I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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