i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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