He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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