That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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