The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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