ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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