the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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