SEEEEXXX PLEASE
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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