Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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