I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
