hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
