my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
