Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
