Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
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It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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