I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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