I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We're too hungover to prance.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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