i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
two words...techno handjob
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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