I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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