before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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