none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
