life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
