is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
