upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
