The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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