I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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