every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
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I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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