Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
