i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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